


Atonement

by Quroypeco



Category: Dissidia: Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy IV, Final Fantasy IV: The After Years, Final Fantasy IX
Genre: Golbez’s atonement interpreted as suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Talk of thoughts of suicide but not graphic, cecil is a gracious host, kuja is a supportive partner, kuja tries to get his shit together and mostly does, this is probably mostly ooc oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:14:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23714992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quroypeco/pseuds/Quroypeco
Summary: Kuja has been worrying about Golbez and visits Cecil to get some perspective.  A tough talk ensues.
Relationships: Golbez/Kuja
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	Atonement

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PoaTB](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoaTB/gifts).



> This piece has been a long time coming. It was requested by PoaTB several months ago, and I started on it immediately. Lots of ~life things~ happened, and I also went through several periods of just not knowing how to continue this, but I finally ended up with something resembling an ending. I'm a really bad perfectionist, so if I don't post it now it's going to sit in my phone's notes forever!
> 
> As for notes on the piece itself, this was actually pretty hard to write about. Mental health issues are handled differently by every person that suffers them, and it was hard to not write my personal experience into this. That being said, I tried to keep this as in-character as possible but it's probably all over the place (and especially since this was written at super different times).
> 
> Anyway, I'm sorry this took so long, PoaTB! I sincerely hope you enjoy it. c:

“So then....”

Kuja set his cup onto the table in front of him.

“It’s... true,” Cecil hesitated momentarily-this was a touchy subject for him, and, Cecil surmised, probably for Kuja as well. “I know that it is hard to hear, but certainly you must realize the gravity of the burden Theodore felt was his to bear-“

“Of COURSE I realize!” Kuja cut Cecil off, anger seething at his very core. “Does he think no one else feels that way?! I personally conducted the destruction of an entire planet, and it haunts me- some fool idea I...” Kuja suddenly trailed off into a deep sigh, reaching an epiphany amongst the thoughts swirling around in his mind. He stared down and took a moment to relax. What use would this be if he were to exhaust Theodore’s brother of his presence now?

“How inappropriate of me, Cecil, I do apologize... There’s no use in comparing trauma between oneself and others. We all have our regrets, I just want to help Theodore. I have some things to consider, if you’ll pardon me, please.”

Kuja stood and pushed his chair in, giving a bow to Cecil before heading out the door. 

—————————————

Kuja wandered along through a quiet patch of forest on his way back to the humble dwelling he shared with Golbez, a million and one thoughts wracking his brain. It had truthfully not been so long ago that Kuja realized what it meant to actually live, to feel, to genuinely enjoy things other than performative cruelty and personal dramatics. Being handed the reality of some unknown time limit could really change your outlook, as it turned out. This made it exceptionally hard for Kuja to understand why Golbez would have willingly wanted to end his own life.

But then, could he still possibly want to do that, remove himself from this plane of life as his “atonement”, now that he had Kuja? When they were together he certainly seemed happy, but Kuja was not a mind-reader, nor could he sense someone else’s deeply rooted self-loathing or feelings of depression. The Genome decided that he wanted to sit down and talk seriously with his partner, and to let him know he could always rely on him to be there when Golbez needed him most.

—————————————

Kuja let himself in, and softly closed the door behind him. Golbez was sitting on the bed, leaned against the headboard- he appeared to have fallen asleep reading a book...?

Kuja walked to the bed and sat down on the lower end at Golbez’s feet. He was reading one of Kuja’s books, a collective volume of Lord Avon’s plays. Kuja smiled to himself- he had been wondering if Golbez had found any time to start on them, since Kuja had suggested the book with fervor. He reached over and flipped the bookmarking ribbon over the page and gingerly closed the book. Golbez stirred and grumbled, slowly blinking his eyes open.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Kuja purred, leaning forward to swipe Golbez’s hair out of his eyes. “Have a good nap this afternoon?”

Golbez shook his head lightly and blinked hard a few times to dismiss his grogginess. He sighed.

“Mmm, I suppose I drifted off. Not that I was not enjoying the reading.”

“Don’t fret, dear, I’m not worried you found my suggestion boring!” Kuja hummed, running his hand through Golbez’s twisted locks. He locked eyes with the half-Lunarian for a moment and felt a lump grow in his throat as he remembered his talk with Cecil. Kuja opened his mouth to start talking but, for once, words escaped him.

“Kuja? Is something the matter?”

The Genome cleared his throat and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath.

“I wanted to... wanted to talk. It is not likely to be a pleasant conversation, but I think it’s important. Nonetheless. I’ve been... thinking.”

“Oh. Is this to do with my brother?”

Kuja sighed.

“Yes, Theo. As you know, I accepted his invitation to tea. He’s not well-versed in tea or its etiquette but his effort certainly did not lack." Kuja sighed. Cecil's 'Tea Etiquette'? He knew he was postponing confronting a difficult talk. "Anyway, he’s worried about you, and frankly I find myself worrying as well. Whether or not our worry is founded is another story entirely, however. He wants only to know that you are well, as do I...”

“...My atonement, you mean,” Golbez whispered and knit his brows. “A promise I made myself, for the dread deeds I commit. Although I was not myself, I cannot undo what was done.” Golbez hung his head. Kuja reached out and cupped his jaw, tilting his head back up.

“I know it isn’t easy but try to forgive yourself. Cecil has. He just wants his brother to know it’s okay. I want you to know it’s okay, too.”

Golbez sighed deeply and closed his eyes.

“You are right. It is not an easy task to forgive oneself for so much. I can never forget what transpired, only try to put my mind elsewhere. But I have you to thank for easing my emotions. I know I seem intense, but I cannot forget so simply. It is easy to get lost in these dark thoughts.”

“Theo... do not face them alone. I’ll be here by your side for as long as the universe allows. You can always talk- or not, if you don’t want to. Either way, I’ll be here to listen. This partnership is not only for the good times, dear. My love is not less when times are hard.”

Kuja pulled Golbez toward him and wrapped his arms around the bigger man.

“It’s... okay to feel down. Don’t let yourself drown in these thoughts alone, though. I’m here with you for good. How about we go for a walk together? Some fresh air would be great right about now. Would you like that?”

Golbez moved his head to lean on Kuja’s shoulder and breathed out. 

“I... think I would like that. Perhaps I should talk to Cecil as well.”

Kuja smiled.

“It’s a date, then!” 

Kuja pulled back and took Golbez’s hands in his own and squeezed them tightly. He’d never let Golbez be alone, and he hoped his partner would never forget that.


End file.
